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Breaking Up

There’s plenty of fish in the sea, or at least that’s what friends say after a terrible break up. No matter how many times we hear it, breaking up still consumes our entire being, and causes never ending self-loathing. No one could ever replace who you lost. Break ups are heart wrenching and you feel alone, like no one else has ever gone through what you’re going through and no one could ever understand what it’s like to have your heart stomped on. Regardless of what your irrational self thinks everyone knows exactly what you’re going through after a devastating break up.

During my break up with, we’ll call him “Life Ruiner” or maybe “Steve” is more appropriate, I hated the fact that we broke up, so I repeated things over and over in my head, processing the thousands of things I did wrong. One of the most comforting facets of a tragic break up is the song you choose to accompany you in all your misery. My song was Belle & Sebastian’s “I’m A Cuckoo.” I could relate to every single line in the song with a burning passion and felt like every word was penned solely for me and my agony. It seemed to tell the story of my relationship and break up with Steve all too well. Stuart Murdoch passionately sang the words,

“Breaking off is misery

I see a wilderness for you and me

Punctuated by philosophy

I’m wondering how things could’ve been”

I sang along just as passionately until I couldn’t sing anymore, feeling sad in my defeat, and wasting countless hours wondering ‘what if.” In my mind, Steve and I were meant to be together and were lost in the wilderness of our love, searching for a way back to each other.

All the self-loathing, dramatics, and the sinking hole in your chest make you do and say things your ordinarily sane self would never think of doing or saying. Again, I was no exception to this break up faux pas. Some channel this negativity by drunk-dialing their ex, pleading to get back together while others become adrenaline junkies, having lost their purpose in life. Fortunately, my theatrics only led me to locking myself in my room and reading the entire Twilight series in two weeks. Not something a sane person would do. My pain was entirely gone for that period of time, wrapped up in the love between a human and vampire. Trapped inside a fictional world, far from my reality, turning pages in a place where impossible love seemed to rule.

There are many phases after a break up. You miss the person to the point of sickening sadness, eventually get over it and start to hate the person in the worst kind of way. At this point wishful thinking ensues. I would imagine myself gallivanting around Philadelphia with some serious eye candy, bumping into Steve, and seeing a distraught look take over his stupid face. After seeing my new beau, Steve would ferociously stalk my Facebook, seeing pictures of my new, healthy relationship, and cry. He would send me text messages, apologizing, pleading to rekindle our love at whatever cost. I wouldn’t respond. Unfortunately, wishful thinking is just that, and it never comes true. I hated Steve and I wanted him to feel my pain, but knew he never would.

Soon you realize you could never hate someone you once cared so much about and find every and any excuse to talk to them. It’s not over yet, at least in your mind. You’re sitting online, the other person logs on; you haven’t talked in months, and can’t stand it anymore. The first mistake too many make is setting their away status to an ambiguous “emo” lyric. An example goes like this, “You’re barely missing me, I’m missing you and everything you do,” a line from The Get Up Kids song My Apology. There’s a lot of logic behind this move. Obviously, the person will see the status, know you still love them, and instant message you immediately. Believe it or not, this isn’t very tactful and it makes you look like a huge, desperate loser.

Everyone learns the ambiguous emo lyric is far from ambiguous, so you remove it. However, you continue to stare at your computer, hoping maybe they’ll talk to you. Nothing happens. In this case, I searched my mind for anything I possibly could to talk to Steve about. Finally, when I was at the point of choking on my virtual words, I messaged him. I spilled my guts about whatever pointless thing I possibly could, hoping for a positive response. This, like everything else post break up, leaves you completely unsatisfied.

Someday, if you’re lucky, you wake up from the post break up nightmare that has become your life and move on. Once you can’t stand listening to the same song on repeat anymore and you’ve completed the stages of the break-up, the sun starts shining, your cold heart begins to melt, and you are flooded with an emotion you forgot existed. You are happy. With the weight on your chest lifted, the world is your oyster and you understand what everyone has been saying and you’re ready to go fishing.

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Roadblock.

I’m not creative right now. I don’t know what to do about it. I want to write, I want to take photos, anything but my creativity has up and left me. Trying to be as proactive as I can be in a situation like this, I googled “writing ideas” and came upon this website: http://www.creativewritingprompts.com/. I know it’s corny and it’s weird, but I think it might work and I might actually get something out of it. Who knows. Stay tuned because I have a feeling something great will come from this.

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Filed under self-help, writing