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That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet.

I’m a chronic over thinker. All I do is think, think and think a little more. What will happen if this happens or what if this happens or what if things get really crazy and this happens and then things don’t work out how I think they should… I think all of those things until I exhaust everything single tiny, highly unlikely possibility. But sometimes my head clears and I have a little moment like I had tonight, a little moment of clarity. I give myself time to take a long walk home, look up at the sky and just enjoy the wind on my arms. It’s little moments like these when I remember I’m alive.

Lately I’ve been wearing myself out wondering what I’m going to do with my life. Wondering constantly, “what am I even doing?” or “what am I even doing here?” I see and read things and know that I have been seriously lucky to be where I am and who I am, but then I wonder am I living to my full potential? Why do I always imagine doing things, but I don’t actually do them? If I’m not spending the majority of my time feeling any type of fulfillment then I have to be doing something wrong, right? If you are able to have a good life, a happy life, a healthy life why wouldn’t you just do it?

It’s naive to imagine that things will always be easy and simple. However, there are things we can do to make life a little easier. For instance, how time is spent and how days pass. I’ve always imagined that I would share good with people and that would be my job. During college I aspired to graduate and become a writer who shared stories of good with people because the news is depressing and the good that’s happening is rarely reported on. After that I thought I’d work in community development or just help those less fortunate than me in some type of capacity. Here’s the thing, I don’t do either of those things and I constantly beat myself up because I’m not in love with my non-career. So, why not do something about it? At least volunteer or give my time somewhere else to someone else, maybe it won’t be 50 hours a week, but at least it’s forward motion in the direction I want to go.

These cycles happen and I know they will probably always happen, but we only live once so if you are able to do what you want with your life then just do it. Just be happy, be successful, love everyone and everything to the fullest capacity. Every year, every month, every day and every breath has to count. If you’re thinking about something, then do it. Call your friend, take that class, climb that mountain, run that race, stay motivated and always move. In the words of Emily Dickinson, “That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet.”

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Breathing.

It’s been about 7 months since the passing of my younger brother, Joel. It’s no doubt that these have been the hardest 7 months of my entire life. I’ve essentially felt like I’ve been trapped in a cave with piles of rocks on my chest suffocating me. I haven’t been able to seriously sit down and take a breath, not even really during happy times.

I had an incredibly awakening experience on Sunday night. I can finally breathe again. All this time I’ve been forcing myself to live in the dark even though so much light has entered my life.

In the last 7 months I’ve watched my beautiful niece grow and learn and even poop behind a chair. I’ve watched my sister-in-law grow into a strong and independent woman all while being a good mom. I’ve seen 2 of my best friends get married. I’ve experienced the warming love of old friends and even some new ones, too. I’ve seen my youngest brother grow into an amazing, strong man who keeps growing into an incredible person. I’ve watched my family grow and love deeper and be more accepting of everything. I’ve continued to fall in love and build a relationship with my love and my best friend. I’ve learned to appreciate the smaller things and the efforts people make, because, surprisingly, people put a decent amount of effort into things.

Most importantly, I’ve learned to breathe again. The sadness isn’t going away anytime soon, but next time I feel like I’m suffocating, I’ll close my eyes, breathe in, and let the sun warm my face. I, we, have so much. Life is all about breathing and appreciating what you have. I’m going back to that.

 

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Valentine’s Day Heart

Adorable. Found on Home Sweet Style.

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